day 23

Yesterday a man named Xavier asked me what I am painting. After some thought, I responded that I am painting a place that neither exists nor doesn’t exist. I am painting the home that I have never seen, but that I have visited a hundred times in my thoughts. I am painting a place that I long for – a place that I will one day come home to – a place of love and depth. I am painting the most real place in the world that I have never seen, but that I believe in regardless.

day 22

Yesterday flowed, yesterday I could breathe, yesterday I worked like I didn’t know where I was going, but had every faith I’d get there. I needed a day in the studio like yesterday.

The night before I spoke with my mama  – talking about where I’m at. She helped me to break down some barriers I had built around myself. Since I work from such an internal personal place, and since she knows me so well, she can always tell when I’m not being honest with myself. She helped me face so much truth on the evening of day 21. When I walked into the studio yesterday I was in my space.

day 21

Day 21 was both heart-wrenching and beautiful. There are so many elements of my process that I am self conscious about  – even when no one is watching. So often I can work in an open studio regardless of my surroundings, but sometimes all I want to do is shut myself in. Doing this without a door is difficult.

It is hard, even for me, to understand why I make the work I do. I cannot explain why a painting of a horizon and a sculpture of 2 figures is so important to me, but I know that it is. I know that they are inside me climbing up and out through my hands, and my hands ache with longing to make them.

The space is hard to work in, but mainly my process is hard to work through.

day 20

Yesterday continued to be an emotional day, and again I had visitors who helped me break through some fears and blocks.

I have begun to feel the pressure of time. Even though, for the purposes of this installation, there is nothing I have to finish. In the next 10 days there is so much that I want to finish – that I want to let go of, search through, and process out.  I have a deep  personal need to finish these works I’ve started. If I don’t, it is like leaving a relationship unresolved – or putting a conversation on hold – neither of which is satisfyingly possible. I will be intrinsically linked to this work until it is finished, but as soon as it is finished I can move on and let go of it.

day 19

I started to experience anxiety on Day 19. Socializing in the studio was draining for the first time. During the evening I had so much emotion pent up inside me, and I took out on the first sculpture – hacking away at the wax to melt it down again.

Then I had a wonderful experience – a person who I’ve met through this installation – came to visit and brought me a picture of their “home.” They told me that my painting made them think of home, and this photograph in particular. The photograph is now on the time line in my studio – a part of my process. It means so much to know that someone can feel something like home when they look at my painting. It was so good to hear it in that moment as well. This 30 day process is making me increasingly vulnerable – Thank you for offering me intimacy in exchange.

day 18

This second attempt at building a sculpture is already better than the first. I’m not second guessing myself as much and I feel more confident and comfortable with the materials. Also, my re-designed armature is SO MUCH BETTER than the first one. Mistakes, hurt, and loss are just as much a part of the process as joy, fulfillment, and success.

I met several new people in my studio yesterday, but one young man stood out in particular. We had an in-depth conversation about art, the self, and the nature of creating. I hope he comes back to visit, because these sorts of exchanges are like a dream come true. I also got talked into making improv. music on stage with a group of very chill musicians – totally out of my comfort zone and totally fun!

Now that I’ve done this project I can’t conceive of having my studio any other way. When the 30 days are over I am going to be gin to seek out a new venue for this project – any ideas are welcome . . . . and wanted!

day 17

So much happened today. I had returning visitors who brought awesome friends. It is an excellent feeling to be working on my sculpture and listening to people talking about and engaging with art. But, I have to say that my favorite visitor was about 3 1/2 feet high and quite the aspiring artist. Savant, (yes his name is savant!), help me add wax to the sculpture. I love having young people in the studio – I don’t know what it is, but it inspires me.

Unfortunately the events of the day had to do a 180. While I was out of the studio my sculpture broke at the heals. The sense of loss that I felt walking into the studio last night was unbelievable. I felt the blood drain out of me There were so many people all around, because a show had just finished. They kept trying to say hello or goodbye, and all I could do was sort of look back at them and nod my head. I felt frozen and nauseous . The first thing I did  was photograph the sculpture lying on the ground – broken.  I didn’t know what else to do, but I knew it was part of the process and so it had to be documented. Then I lifted the sculpture off the ground. The heaviness of the body made me snap into reality. I broke down in the middle of the studio floor – crying to let the hurt out. I can remember only a few times when I have felt as devastated as I did last night. Seeing my work – an extension of myself – broken beyond repair made me feel so alone and vulnerable.

I am so fortunate to have good friends in my life who helped keep me rational and grounded last night. Today, I am going to build a better stronger armature, and I will make these sculptures come to life. Experiencing how broken I felt last night helps me to know that I am doing the right thing – following the right path in my life and work. If I weren’t, it wouldn’t have hurt so bad.